Gold Arrow Camp took my city kid, who could barely ride a bike, and returned a sailing, camping, climbing, in love with the outdoors young man.

Jennifer Lansing

Chicago, Illinois

Recently I’ve read several books about the science behind happiness and the research that’s being done to determine the specific elements that cause people to “flourish” in life.  (See my reading list below.)

Traditionally, psychologists have focused on studying psychological diseases – depression, anxiety, eating disorders, etc. – and their cures. But led by Martin Seligman  (University of Pennsylvania), a new breed of psychologists called Positive Psychologists have, for the past decade, been studying the positive side of people. They ask not what is wrong with people, but what is right.  They research what makes us do well in life and the reasons why some people thrive and find success and happiness in life.

Originally, Seligman had a theory of “happiness” outlined in his book Authentic Happiness, but he moved away from only using the word “happiness” to a new theory that focuses instead on well-being or “flourishing.”  Seligman determined that it’s inaccurate to use the term “happiness,” as some people simply don’t have the personality to appear outwardly happy to others, even when they are doing quite well in life.  I’m an extrovert who smiles a lot, so, objectively, people would probably say I’m pretty high on the happy scale.  But how do we account for an introvert who doesn’t show a lot or emotion or display the outward symptoms that we equate with happiness?  He may not smile a lot or appear outwardly happy, but, Seligman contends, he could still be flourishing.  So, instead of using a one-dimensional definition that’s dependent on momentary emotions and personality traits, Seligman developed a more thorough theory of well-being that moved beyond his original happiness theory.

Seligman’s uses the acronym PERMA to define his theory and the five measurable elements he has determined lead to well-being. As I read about each pillar of PERMA in Seligman’s book, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, I kept having “ah-ha” moments.  “This happens at camp!” I would think. “And this, too!” In fact, as I read, I determined that ALL of the elements of flourishing that Seligman describes happen at camp. According to Seligman, “No one element defines well-being, but each contributes to it.”

I’ve always been sucked in by inspirational quotes and quick sounds bites about how camp contributes to happiness, but I love knowing the science behind why kids flourish at camp.

PERMA at Camp

P: Positive Emotion

Positive emotion is exactly what it sounds like: feeling happy and having positive thoughts about yourself, the people around you, or your surroundings.  When someone reports they are feeling content, relaxed, or happy, then they are experiencing positive emotions. At camp, positive emotions are the norm, not the exception.  We’re singing; we’re dancing; we’re doing skits that don’t make sense but that cause us to laugh so hard our stomachs hurt.  Whether we’re telling jokes and stories around the campfire or just entertaining ourselves talking and hanging out together, positive emotion is literally swirling around camp.  You can almost see a haze of happiness and fun surrounding everyone at camp.

E: Engagement

Seligman’s next element, engagement, describes when one is interested in and connected to what they are doing.  When you’re engaged in your hobby or book or job, you’re fired up about learning something new and energized by the activity.   At camp, kids are constantly exposed to new experiences and challenges – both recreational and social – that get them interested and excited to learn.  They’re pushed to get outside their comfort zone and really engage.  For some kids, their stay at camp is the first time they’ve slept away from home and their parents, and they are engaged in learning to live with a group of new people.  For others, the camp dance is the first time they’ve ever danced with other kids, so they’re being engaged socially in new ways.

R: Relationships

As Seligman and other researchers found, and most of us intuitively know, “other people are the best antidote to the downs of life and the single most reliable up.”

We all know that positive relationships are one of the main contributors to our happiness in life, so it’s no surprise that relationships are an important pillar of Seligman’s theory.  Our life’s relationships – with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our spouses, and our co-workers – are key to our happiness.  Everyone comes to camp to see their old friends, make new friends, and just spend quality time connecting with others and building positive relationships.  And camp is like no other place for that.  You don’t have any of the competition or stress that often accompany kids’ relationships at home:  Two bright students who are close friends are also competing for the valedictorian spot. Or two athletes who have grown up together are competing for the same position on a soccer team. The relationships at camp, without all the competition and “baggage” that kids have in some of their relationships at home, grow strong quickly.  This is probably why so many kids have told me that, even though they are only at camp for two weeks, their camp friends are their closest friends and they stay connected with them all year, well beyond their time at camp.

M: Meaning

To flourish in life, we need to feel that there is meaning to us and that we matter.  According  to Seligman, meaning comes from “belonging to and serving something you believe is bigger than the self.” Being a member of a cabin group at camp helps kids gain an understanding of how they are valued by others.  For some kids, camp is the first place where they understand what it means to be a valued and accepted member of a community.  Unlike at school, where some kids can be “invisible,” and go through a day without connecting with others, camp forces integration.  Kids learn that they are an important and valued member of their cabin group, and they discover their character strengths through recognition from peers and counselors. While at camp, kids also have the opportunity to feel part of something bigger than themselves – a camp community that goes back nearly a century, where we still get to follow the same traditions our predecessors did.  While learning about friendship, gratitude, and kindness, and practicing those skills, kids learn that they can positively impact others.  They learn that they have value and that there is meaning in life.

A: Achievement

People flourish when pursuing goals or the mastery of a skill. So, while having a great achievement is wonderful, much of flourishing comes from the striving towards the achievement. Many people report that it was a lot of fun working their way up and accomplishing small steps on the way to a goal.  In fact, many people feel a let down once a goal has been achieved and realize, as Ralph Waldo Emerson so eloquently explained,  “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

Every day at camp, kids have the opportunity to try new things and master new skills.  Some kids arrive at camp with a specific goal: a bull’s eye at archery or getting up on a slalom water ski.  But others simply practice and work towards improving or challenge themselves to try something that frightens them – like completing the ropes course. And all of their progress and little achievements add to kids’ flourishing at camp.

At this time of year, when parents are busy completing camp forms and are possibly having cold feet about sending their child to camp for the first time, I’d like to remind you that camp can help your kid flourish like no school, sports team, or other activity they do.  So, enjoy watching your child flourish at camp this summer.

My Happiness Reading List
• Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Martin Seligman
• Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment, Martin Seligman
• The Myths of Happiness, Sonja Lyubomirsky
• Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, Ed Deiner and Robert Biswas-Diener

Related articles/Resources

• Positive Psychology (claudiaowadblog.wordpress.com)
• Positive Psychology Center, University of Pennsylvania
  Related Posts on Sunshine Parenting:
• Finding Flow
• Grit, Goals, and Growth
• Book Review: How Children Succeed
  
• Grateful Campers are Happy Campers
• Happiness Habits

-Wikipedia definition of flow

While searching for a Minecraft video on YouTube, my nine-year-old stumbled upon a video about making a stove out of a tin can.  I’ll save the problem of “stumbling upon” videos on YouTube for another post.  For now, I’d like to focus not on my supervision short-comings, but instead on what resulted from his tin can stove discovery.

He got excited.

He focused on a goal.

He spent time happily working on something (not on a screen!) for more than an hour and was enthusiastic about sharing it with others.  This is something that, unfortunately, has not happened much lately.

According to the Wikipedia definition, “Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.”

Eminent Positive Psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi coined the term “flow” and penned a book by the same name to describe a state that others might call being “in the moment” or “in the zone.” Flow has been researched extensively in the past few years by Positive Psychologists seeking to determine what brings people happiness.  Psychologists like Csikszentmihalyi have found that flow is the way we feel when we are doing something we passionately enjoy.  We can’t wait to do the activity again, and we feel a lot of positive emotions while participating in the activity.  We can stick with it for hours without even noticing the time going by.  In fact, when we’re in flow, it’s hard to stop whatever we’re doing.  People achieve it in all different activities, including while playing a musical instrument, playing a sport, writing, painting, attending a concert, bird watching, riding a horse, or running, to name a few.  Often we cannot relate to the passion others have for their personal “flow” activity, since their enthusiasm and passion seem inordinately high. For the lucky ones among us, we find flow in our daily work.

I think young children are naturally in a state of flow a lot during unstructured play time.  As they create their pretend worlds, “cook” in the sand box, build a fort, or swing high on a swing, they are joyful and time flies by for them.  Young children are experts at happily living in the moment.  As they get older, we seem to consistently suck the flow out of them through endless boring worksheets and sports drills that take away their free time.  If there were a graph showing the amount of time people spent in a state of flow compared to their age, I’m guessing it would be a pretty steep downward slope, veering up at the point in young adulthood (or adulthood) when a passion for something is discovered.  For some, sadly, it may never veer back up.

But back to the stove.  The simple video showed how to turn a tin can into a simple outdoor stove.  Sharp tools, work gloves, and fire were involved.  My son was excited and immediately searched out an available can.  After thirty minutes in the garage, he reported he was ready for lighting the fire. The stove was a bit lopsided but still provided a fun driveway campfire.  He mastered the construction process by the second stove, which he built as soon as he had free time the next day after school.  On another video (located near the tin can stove one), he discovered a more substantial outdoor stove built from bricks.  The video said it would cost him $6, but he was thrilled to find bricks on sale and spent $4.25 on 17 bricks.  He could hardly wait to get home, finish his homework, have dinner, and finally get a chance to build his stove. After dinner, he constructed it, gathered his kindling, and lit his new stove that resembled a miniature outdoor chimney.  He plans on sharing his building technique with kids at camp this summer.

Seeing him so happy and excited about his outdoor stoves this week made me think about how, most days, he is not even close to being in a state of flow. I would guess that a few lucky kids are passionate about a subject in school, a sport, or a hobby that they have discovered at a very young age.  He’s not one of them. He’s really happy doing a lot of camp activities, and is especially smitten with wakeboarding, but he can’t live at camp all the time (much to his dismay).  During the school year, he and his siblings have spent a lot of time participating in activities their classmates, siblings, and friends do, or that we parents think are important.  But many of these activities have not brought a lot of intrinsic satisfaction and joy, even when they’ve had success at them and enjoyed the camaraderie of being on the team.

As parents, I think we need to guard our kids’ days and be sure we allow time for discovering and creating and reaching that elusive state called flow.  All kids deserve the chance to find an activity that they truly love and that makes them happy, even if it means foregoing a sport they’re good at but not passionate about.  I’d like for my kids to just enjoy the activity for it’s own intrinsic benefits, without the pressure to earn an award, achieve certification, or gain recognition due to their participation.

My seventeen-year-old older daughter plays piano beautifully, but she doesn’t like to play in front of anyone but our family.  I’ve often pushed her to use her skill somewhere, or at least play in front of people.  But I now realize that it’s an amazing gift to have something that she loves to do, that relaxes her and makes her happy, and that she does purely for how it makes her feel.  She will always have the piano and the opportunity to sit down and get in her flow for a while.

I recently read a book that challenged me to think back on what I loved to do when I was around 10-12 years old.  The idea was to think back to what activity I loved to do then and see if I still practice it now, because most likely, the activity would still bring me pleasure.   I had an unstructured childhood with tons of free time, so around that age, I had discovered the following things I enjoyed:  catching frogs in the backyard pond, hiking up the creek and swinging across it on vines, sewing, playing and talking with friends, taking pictures, writing in my journal, and reading.   As this memory exercise predicted, those are still things I enjoy (minus the frogs!).

When given the time to discover, maybe all our kids can find their passions and, as a result, be happier. After watching my son’s joy over building a simple stove, I’m convinced I need to carve out more free time for discovery.  Who knows what he’ll build next?

What are your kids passionate about?

Do you see them in a state of flow?  Doing what?

What did you love when you were younger that you haven’t done as an adult?  Might it be time to take up an old hobby?

Resources:

Flow (the book)

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Flow, the secret to happiness (TED Talk)

What is Flow? (psychology.about.com)

As parents of this generation, we’ve been told that great parenting means being super-involved with our children and always being in constant communication with them.  We give them cell phones as soon as we feel they are ready to have a bit of independence, so that we can be assured that they will call us the minute they need us.  We use apps that help us “track” our teenage kids. We are upset if they don’t call us constantly with updates on their where-abouts.

There are many benefits to this parenting style. We know our kids well and have developed close family relationships.   We also know each of their homework assignments (and assist with a few of them), the drills they did at soccer practice (because we either coached their team or stayed and watched), and what they ate for snack at school. The downside to our “helicopter” parenting, though, is that it makes it difficult for our children to develop their independence, problem-solving, and decision-making skills, which are important and necessary abilities for autonomous, competent adults.

Feeling Free

No parents at this sleep over!

Hooray for camp!  Without a cell phone (or their parent next to them) to immediately turn to when they are faced with a decision, kids learn to use other resources – including their own great minds!  Without us watching them and being a reminder of what they’ve been scared of in the past, they challenge themselves and try new things.  The confidence that results from their accomplishments and independence can be life changing.   According to experienced camper Renee Tucknott,  “Camp taught me early in life that I can survive in the world without my parents making my decisions, and I am able to make my own decisions and choices that will impact my life. When I got to college, I experienced some of the same decisions and choices and already knew I could survive on my own.”

As technology has provided us with the ever-increasing ability to be in touch– immediately – with everyone, it has also given the children and young adults of this generation a crutch that we (those of us in our forties and up) did not have. When faced with a decision or problem with a friend, we had to rely on ourselves first and later discuss it with our parents.  Now, kids are accustomed to calling their parents before attempting to solve the challenge on their own. At camp, campers have a support network of staff to help them work through challenges, fears, and problems that may come up. They never feel “alone,” but they feel independent from their parents, and a lot of pride comes from that independence.

Reunited at the end of camp.

So, enjoy your child’s stay at camp this summer and rest assured that while your helicopter is parked, your child is spreading their wings!

Related articles

• Helicopter Parenting Can Violate Students’ Basic Needs (medicalnewstoday.com)
• Helicoptered Kids More Depressed as Young Adults (freerangekids.com)
• Helicopter parenting can violate students’ basic needs (sciencedaily.com)
• The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting (Time)
  What’s Behind the Rise of the Helicopter Parent? (anniemurphypaul.com)
  Tucking the Kids In — In the Dorm (onlinewsj.com)
  The Irony of Parenting (psychologytoday.com)
• Creating Advantage in College (psychologytoday.com)
  Get Unplugged (sunshine-parenting.com)
  How Independent do We Want our Kids to Be? (sunshine-parenting.com)

In honor of “I Heart Camp” Day (February 1), here are 10 reasons why, as a parent, I love camp for my own kids:

1.  Camp gets my kids OUTSIDE, breathing fresh air, watching spectacular sunsets, and getting their sweatshirts full of campfire smoke smell.

2.  My kids smile and laugh more at camp than they do anywhere else.

3.  The counselors at camp – young adults who love kids and the outdoors and fun – are rock solid role models and the antithesis of reality TV characters.  They’re the kind of people I want my kids to grow up to be like.

4.  At camp, my girls spend very little time in front of mirrors and a lot of time looking at strong, brave women who climb mountains and fly across lakes on sailboats, all with very little (or no) make up and wearing the same dirty sweatshirt they wear every day at camp.

5.  Each of my kids, during their years at camp, has, on at least one occasion, spent hours building a fort out of sticks and rocks and other material they find in the forest.

6.  The incidental exercise my kids get hiking around camp adds up to a lot of mileage, but since they’re singing songs and talking with friends, they don’t even notice how much exercise they’re getting.

7.  My kids have learned what real, deep friendships are at camp.  They’ve formed close relationships with people of all ages and from different countries.  The connections they have made at camp are like a tightly knit web of support that will be with them their whole lives.

8.  Camp gets my kids off their phones and computers and away from the stress of not having as many “likes” or “friends” as somebody else.

9.  At camp my kids are challenged to get outside their comfort zone and try things they wouldn’t normally do.  And that really builds their confidence.

10.  And, finally, I love that at camp my kids just relax and have fun.  No pressures of school, competitive sports, and social cliques.  Just fun.

I could list 100 reasons why I “heart” camp, but here are just a few.  Happy I Heart Camp Day!

What do you love about camp?  Comment if you have time!

Gold Arrow Camp has taught me to be brave and reach my goals.
If it wasn’t for GAC, I wouldn’t be nearly as courageous as I am now.

Grit

Grit has become the new buzz word in education and parenting thanks to Paul Tough’s best-selling book, How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character.   Before we started using the word “grit,” we used words like “stick-to-itiveness” or persistence to describe this desirable character trait.    Hard working and disciplined also fit into the description of a person with grit. I know it’s true that kids (and adults) need grit to succeed: to push past failures, to work hard at things they’re not good at, and to eventually find success.  But how do we teach grit to a distinctively non-gritty kid (or dare-I-say generation?)- one who quits when something gets hard, who doesn’t want to try anything new or difficult, who prefers playing video games to practicing piano?

I think the keys may be teaching kids to set and work towards goals, and teaching them to adopt a growth mindset.

Goals

I love flipping to a new year on my calendar.  The empty, clean pages scream out opportunity to me.  January represents a chance to start again, make lists, get organized, and set some new goals.   But I haven’t always set goals correctly, and I’ve learned a few things about setting goals.  First, thanks to Christine Carter, I’ve learned to think of goals in the framework of developing new, better habits.   According to Carter, it’s important to take “turtle” steps in starting a new habit so that one can be successful. So, rather than going from zero exercise to making running a marathon your goal, Carter encourages baby steps.  Start with a five minute daily walk, she says, so that you can be successful in establishing a new habit rather than undermining your goal by making it a near certain failure.  And just work on one goal or habit at a time, rather than a long list.

Second, from a longtime trainer who’s worked with our leadership staff at camp, Debby Winning, I’ve learned about setting SMART goals.  Rather than lofty, unmeasurable goals, which are rarely reached, it’s important to make sure goals are:
Specific
Measurable
Attainable
Realistic
Tangible
So, rather than making my goal, “Eat healthy,” I need to say, “Eat five servings of fruit or vegetables each day and make a check mark on my daily calendar each time I eat one .”

I also think it’s important not just to think about a goal but to WRITE IT DOWN and SHARE IT WITH A FRIEND.  Most people go through life and don’t even stop to think what their mission in life is and what their goals are.  But those who do are the ones who are destined for success.  I love the book FIVE: Where Will You Be Five Years From Today, by Dan Zadra.  It’s a workbook-style book that talks you through your values and helps you come up with your mission.  He also shares the missions of some famous people.  Walt Disney’s?  “My mission in life is to make people happy.”

One of the valuable skills that we can teach our kids is how to set and reach goals. The start of a new year offers a great clean slate to think about and write down some goals. But goals can be made any time.  This year, I’m planning to work on just one goal at a time, rather than on many, unrealistic resolutions.

At our opening campfires at camp, counselors ask kids to share something they want to accomplish at camp.  The goal might be trying an activity they’re a little bit scared of, reaching a specific milestone at an activity, or sometimes it’s a social goal, like getting up on stage in front of a big group or making a new friend.  We encourage kids to think of something that is outside their comfort zone and a little bit challenging, because those goals are the ones that lead to the greatest feelings of pride and accomplishment.

What about trying the same thing at home?  Have each family member share something they’ve dreamed of learning or trying or changing but never have.  Then, as a follow up, have them set a realistic, SMART goal around that particular area.  Write down each family member’s goal and provide each other with encouragement and support to reach the goal.  Try just one goal per person so that it doesn’t get overwhelming.

Goal setting is such an important life skill and something extremely valuable to teach our kids.

Growth

In her book Mindset, Carol Dweck outlines the importance of having a growth mindset to have success in any area of life.  A growth mindset, according to Dweck, “is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts.” Several of the books I’ve read recently have referred to Dweck’s research about mindset and the importance of teaching kids a growth mindset.

Many of us have a fixed mindset about ourselves and others.  We see talent as innate, something we’re born with, and think we (and others) are either good at something or not and that can’t be changed. But the reality is that anyone can improve at anything, as long as they put the hard work in.  I was reminded of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers as I read Mindset.    Gladwell talks about how the people we think of as “greats” in many fields — sports, business, the arts — put in hours and hours of disciplined hard work to achieve greatness.  The 10,000 hours of practice Gladwell talks about as being necessary to reach mastery or greatness at anything has been discussed and quoted by many.

I like the idea of sharing stories with our kids about examples of people who’ve worked extremely hard and practiced a lot to achieve greatness.  There are examples in sports and music and many other areas.  It’s especially important to share the stories of people who have failed and kept trying (think Abe Lincoln!).

The other important way we teach our kids a growth mindset is using growth mindset rather than fixed mindset praise when complimenting our kids.  So, rather than, “You’re so smart to have finished that so fast,” which a child might interpret as smartness = fast work, we might say, “I noticed how you tried different strategies to solve that math problem.”  Or, “I’ll make sure to give you more challenging math work next time so that you’ll learn something new.” We want our kids to internalize the value of hard work and effort over broad descriptive adjectives that can backfire.  Dweck’s research has shown that telling a kid he or she is smart makes them less likely to take on challenging tasks that might jeopardize their title as a “smart” kid.

A growth mindset goes perfectly with goal setting, because to reach a goal, you need to invest time and effort.  And that builds grit.

Related articles

• Book Review: How Children Succeed (sunshineparenting.wordpress.com)

I couldn’t let this year end without revisiting the theme of gratitude, which became an important focus this year for my family, for camp, and for myself personally.   While I have some free time over this holiday week, I want to refocus on gratitude and rededicate myself to some of my own gratitude practices, which have unfortunately been lagging over these past few months.  I love the example of the 365 Gratitude Project (video above), which many people have taken on as a gratitude practice.

Here’s a quick recap of my “year of gratitude”: In January, I read the book 1000 Gifts by Anna Voscamp and subsequently downloaded her app of the same name for my iphone.   In February, I spoke to Christine Carter about her training for our camp staff, and we settled on gratitude as her topic.  In March, we made gratitude journals as a family activity, which we used sporadically in April and May.  In June, we kicked off our summer of gratitude at camp with Christine’s training.   July and August were filled with gratitude practices at camp like sharing things we are grateful for at our nightly campfires.  A Simple Act of Gratitude: How Learning to Say Thank You Changed my Life by John Kralik was my September read.  In October, I read the book How Children Succeed (Paul Tough) and learned that gratitude is one of the seven most important qualities we can instill in our children to help them succeed in life.  So, as you can see, this gratitude theme just kept popping up over and over for me this year!

But, alas, despite all this reading and talk about gratitude, I haven’t been successful in maintaining all the many gratitude habits I started in 2012.  In January, I enthusiastically downloaded the 1000 Gifts app and started keeping track of my daily gifts, but, as happens with many of my projects, the early enthusiasm wore off and I, unfortunately, stopped keeping track after a few weeks.  Now seeing the app on my phone is just a reminder of my failure to get to 1000.  I’m stuck at 136.  Each time I whisk over the app on my way to the weather app, I’m reminded of my failure to count 1000 gifts.    The journals we so carefully crafted in March are gathering dust on the hutch in the dining room.   But, rather than beat myself over my lack of follow through, I’m resolving this week to regroup and focus on a simple, realistic plan for keeping gratitude in my daily life in 2013.

“Want happy kids?  You go first,” Carter says in her book Raising Happiness.  Applying her statement to gratitude, since it applies to all the qualities we model for our kids, I say, “If I want grateful kids, I need to go first.” And I’m enlisting some help by taking the free 21-day class Carter is offering starting January 1 called  “Cracking the Habit Code”.

Creative Ways for Kids to Write Thank Yous
I love these ideas for having kids express gratitude (other than just writing notes!)

Give Your Kids the Gift of Gratitude

Christine Carter Gratitude Links (blog posts, podcasts)

Thank you for reading!

I have lofty goals for what will eventually happen with these lists.  A beautiful photo book with the list and pictures that go with each memory.  A slide show commemorating the year.  So far, neither of these ideas have come to fruition, but I do wistfully hope that I’ll live to be an old granny with some extra time on my hands.  And I’ll take out the crispy yellow legal sheet from ’09 and create some fun family memory book from it.

It’s always easy to come up with the first 30 or so memories — somebody graduated, somebody scored a goal, somebody turned 16 and got their driver’s license.  But the fun really starts when you have to start digging for numbers 75-100.  That’s when I pull out my calendar to cheat a bit.  And we come up with some very non-momentous (often funny) memories to add to our list.

Let me know if you try it and tell me how it goes!

Have fun remembering your family’s year!

Related articles

• How to Make a Memory Book (answers.com)
• New Year’s Eve projects for a fun and memorable time at home with the kids (vancouversun.com)
  Family Dinner
  High, Lows, & Buffaloes

After shelling out $100.24 for five rental ice skates and the skating fee, working up a sweat stuffing the boys’ feet into their skates and lacing them tightly (since, at 9 & 11, how could I expect them to TIE THEIR OWN SHOES?), we headed out onto the ice.

After 10 minutes, the first question came, “How much longer?”

My internal thought, “AHHHH! Are you kidding me?  I could be in my pajamas still, you ingrate!”

My external words, “Well, we started skating at 3:30.  After paying for this, we’re staying for AT LEAST AN HOUR.”  (Internal thought again, “AND YOU BETTER HAVE FUN!”)

I overheard a kid from another skating family ask, “When are we going bowling?”  I told my kids not to even think about it.  We’re a one-outing-a-day kind of family.

But, I digress from the reason for this post.  After about 30 minutes getting our skating legs, we were successfully circling the rink in sync with our accompanying Christmas oldies.  I alternated between holding hands with the younger kids, skating next to them, and taking off to take a fast lap on my own or with one of the older girls.

I finally stopped resisting the pull and pulled out my new iPhone 5 (thank you, Santa!) to take some pictures.  I got a great group shot and then started taking some videos and stills of each of the kids.  I even got a great group video!  (Side note:  I can’t believe how awesome the photo quality is with the iPhone 5!)

After 15 minutes of filming and posing, I said, “I need to put this away and get back to skating.” To which my fourteen-year-old replied, “That’s why were here!”  Meaning, getting fun, funny, or otherwise inspiring skating pictures to post on Instagram and Facebook was why we went skating.  I thought we were having a family outing to get some exercise, be together, and enjoy a fun winter activity.  But her statement got me thinking.  How many of the things we do these days are motivated by the thought, “This would be fun to post.”   Or,  “This would make a great profile pic.”?

I confess I love this stuff as much as my kids do.  I get sucked in as much as they do,  and I love to post and comment and like and connect with my friends old and new.  I loved seeing the Christmas messages and photos from everyone yesterday!

But, once again, I circle back to needing to create rules for myself around social media.  Keeping some family events private.  Not photographing every occasion (because then I’m behind the camera instead of in the moment) even though I love taking pictures.

Add to my (short) list of goals for 2013:  Take a deep breath and enjoy the actual moment I’m in, not the future post I’m creating.

Related:
Way Too Much of a Good Thing
Unplugged

Countless times over the past week my throat has constricted and my eyes have filled with tears as I read about the children, families, and heroes of Newtown, Connecticut.

My Facebook feed has been full of posts about gun control and the need for better care for the mentally ill.  Both topics are being covered and debated in depth, and I think they are important to address.  But I haven’t seen or heard much discussion about something that worries me a lot.  I want us to talk about the human beings living among us who have no connection with other people.

A little boy named John wrote a letter to his best friend Jack, age 6, who died at Sandy Hook last Friday. John and Jack were good buddies. The letter and the pictures with their arms around each other’s shoulders are proof that they had connected with each other and formed a real friendship even at their tender young ages.

That connection is something the twenty-year-old shooter appears to have never had.  No one seemed to know him. He walked the halls of his high school with his head down, avoiding eye contact.  He didn’t interact with other people.  His brother hadn’t spoken to him since 2010.  I don’t know the depths of his problems or whether he had a specific diagnosis or disorder, but I think a quality connection with another person could have possibly helped him.

We are social creatures who were made to connect with others, and we cannot thrive in isolation.  Babies who aren’t held and nurtured fail to thrive and often die.  Young adults who don’t have relationships with other people harm themselves and others.  They commit suicide, they become addicted to substances or video games, and, sometimes, they act out in violence against other people.

When I’m talking to people about camp and how it’s okay to come to camp without a friend, I often say, “It’s not like school, where you have to figure out who to eat with on the first day.  You have a group that you’re already a part of, and you eat together.”  Who doesn’t remember that awful feeling of looking around and trying to figure out where to sit and eat when you’re the new kid?

What about the kids who never find a lunch table?  Never make a connection?  I’m guessing they’re the ones more likely to drop out of school, have other problems, and suffer from emotional problems.  Who will help these kids?

We need to figure out how to make sure children aren’t allowed to travel invisibly through school and fall through our society’s proverbial cracks.  There are many children who are completely disconnected from others.  Some of them have mental illnesses that inhibit their social skills.  Some have parents who haven’t connected with them or don’t know how to respond to their behavior.  Some just have poor social skills.  Many may have developed more significant problems through years of isolation.  It’s a chicken and egg debate that I won’t attempt to figure out, but I believe isolation can exacerbate the problem, even if it’s a mental health issue.  I know it can’t make it better.

There are many kids in our schools who are alone.  They won’t all become mass murderers, but they are, I suspect, profoundly unhappy, and they need our help.  Their families need our help.  We can’t just allow them to go on being invisible.  The possible consequences are far too dangerous to them and to us.

Couldn’t we use “buddy systems,” or, as they call it at my daughter’s school, “sister to sister” or “brother to brother” programs?   Assign an older, experienced student to lead and mentor younger or new kids.  Everyone has a buddy.  No one is alone.  Or, what if we ask our kids to identify and seek out “invisible” kids and work to include and engage them?   They need mentors, people who care and are willing to reach out to them, even when they act like they don’t want to be reached.

We can’t just wait for the next tragedy.  We need to make these invisible kids visible and let them know they are loved and valued. We need to help them connect.

I just had my latest round of tears reading this:

http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/12/16/remembering-the-victims-of-the-sandy-hook-elementary-school-shooting/

I’ve posted the picture of John’s letter to Jack on my Facebook page, as I was unable to post it here:
https://www.facebook.com/SunshineParenting